Every portfolio tool on this site has been unfailingly polite to you. Volatility charts, diversification ratios, correlation matrices — all delivered in the soothing tone of a dentist describing a root canal. You nodded. You changed nothing. So we stopped being polite.

The short version

• Roast My Portfolio is live. Open any of your portfolios and press Roast in the Strategy & Risk row. Six investing legends take turns at your holdings — in parody, obviously; the real ones have better things to do.
• Every jab cites a real number from your portfolio: a weight, a sector share, a P/E, an expense ratio. The panel is funny, not fictional.
• Every roast ends with a fix: one serious sentence on what that investor would change. Comedy, with homework.
• The Investor Lens room and the whole-portfolio lens now link to each other, and the roast sends you into the room with your biggest position already on the table.
• It's a Premium feature. Tryout accounts get a polite Premium card instead — the only polite thing on the page.

Meet the panel

• Warren Buffett would like to know why you paid that much for a story.
• Charlie Munger says less than the others and hurts more.
• John Bogle has noticed you own zero index funds. He is not angry. He is disappointed.
• Ray Dalio looks at your eleven tickers and counts one bet.
• Howard Marks worries about the risk you can't see, which is mostly the risk you can see and decided not to.
• Peter Lynch would like you to explain, in one sentence, why you own the position at 0.8 %. Take your time.

These are parody voices in the style of each investor's well-known philosophy — not their words, not their opinion of you, and not investment advice. The page says so. Twice, if you count this paragraph.

It knows your weights, not your wounds

The panel sees what your portfolio is: weights, concentration, sectors, countries, currencies, valuation, fund costs. It never sees what you paid. Your entry price is a sunk cost and the panel has no interest in your feelings about it — which makes it more emotionally mature than most of us at 9:31 on a red Monday.

All the numbers are computed by the platform before the AI writes a single joke. The AI's job is the punchline, not the arithmetic. It may not invent news, prices or forecasts, and it may not tell you to buy or sell a specific stock. It is allowed to point out that your top three positions are 57 % of everything you own. Repeatedly. With feeling.

Geek aside: during testing the panel mocked a perfectly sensible gold holding as 16.7 % of something its owner couldn't even name. Our data source files Xetra-Gold as a share with no sector, so to the panel it looked like a mystery stock. Gold is now classified as a commodity, and the panel has been asked to direct its scorn elsewhere. It is the first bug we ever found because a joke didn't land.

The rules of the roast

• One roast per portfolio per day. It's cached for 24 hours. Reload as often as you like — the panel is not going to write new material just because you asked nicely.
• Trade, and you earn a fresh one. The roast is keyed on what you hold and how much of it, so buying or selling gets you a new verdict. Price moves don't count; the panel doesn't do live commentary.
• Five fresh roasts a day. After that the panel goes home and leaves you the last one. Therapy is rationed.
• A roast takes ten to thirty seconds to write. Six legends, one table, no bathroom break.

The serious version has a nicer room

If you'd like a second opinion that doesn't open with a joke, the Investor Lens room is the grown-up version: a 3D boardroom where fifteen famous investors sit around a table. Pick a stock, seat the ones you want to hear from, run the lens, and each verdict lands above its chair. It's the same idea in a tie.

Until this week the room and the whole-portfolio lens lived in the same building and pretended not to know each other. Now the room's top bar has a Portfolio Lens entry (which of your holdings would each investor keep?), the portfolio lens page has a button back to the room, and every roast ends with an invitation to put your biggest position in front of the table. Doors. In a building. We are as surprised as you are.

Why we built it

Because "your portfolio is concentrated" as a number on a page changes nothing, and the same fact as a sentence that stings a little — with one clear fix attached — sometimes does. Under the jokes, the roast is a concentration check, a cost check and a diversification check wearing a funny hat.

Find it on any portfolio: Portfolios → pick one → Roast. Bring a thick skin.